bekj – bekjaneway

this is for @ejc74656 who prompted me with “why are you bleeding?”

–

Chakotay wiped the sweat quickly from his forehead before continuing his onslaught on the black punching bag before him. That. *punch* Damned. *punch* Woman. *punch* *punch* Thinks. *punch* She. *punch* Knows. *punch* Everything. *punch*

He had come to the workout room with the goal of releasing a little pent-up energy after one of the longest shifts of his life. Not only had Kathryn yet again refused to listen to any of his suggestions, but she had also managed to concoct another elaborate suicide mission behind his back. And he had almost let her get away with it. Chakotay took a deep breath and tore off his gloves. The more he thought about it, the angrier he felt. The empty workout room was just about the only place it was acceptable to release said anger.

–

Several hours later, his combadge chirped from the nearby bench where he’d abandoned it when he first came in. Chakotay strode over to the bench and sat down, finally exhausted. He sighed and reached over to retrieve the badge, “Chakotay here.”

“Chakotay,” came Kathryn’s even voice, “please report to my quarters.”

“I’m on my way.” Chakotay sighed again and stood up. What could she possibly want now? He quickly gathered his things and walked out of the room into the corridor, heading toward his quarters. She hadn’t sounded urgent, so he figured he could at least change his clothes on the way.

Not five minutes later, Chakotay stood in front of the Captain’s quarters wearing a fresh uniform. He pressed the chime and waited for her answering “come” before entering.

“You wanted to see me, Captain?”

“Please, have a seat.” Kathryn gestured toward the space on the couch next to her. He sat. “I want to apologize.”

Well, this was new.

“I should have listened to you. What I said was wrong.” She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, “I just have such a hard time remembering that I don’t have to do this on my own. I feel so protective of the crew sometimes… I end up thinking that things will just be easier if I handle it all on my own. I know how frustrating I must be, I’m sorry.”

Chakotay stared at her. This show of emotion was so rare. He was shocked.

“Kathryn, you know you can trust me with anything.” Chakotay moved closer on the couch and reached out to place his hand atop hers.

“Of course I know that, Chakotay,” she responded seriously, turning on the couch to face him and flipping her hand to grip his hand tightly, “I just-” she stopped suddenly to look down at their joined hands, “Chakotay, why are you bleeding?”

Chakotay joined her in looking down at his hand, “oh, that.” He was just now noticing his cracked knuckles which oozed a few drops of blood and had suddenly begun to ache.“It’s nothing really, just left over from my workout,” Chakotay answered, trying to sound nonchalant.

“Why didn’t you wear gloves?” Kathryn moved quickly to a cabinet near her desk.

“I don’t know. It just feels more real somehow. More therapeutic.”

Kathryn returned quickly, holding a dermal regenerator. She sat down and pulled both of his hands into her lap. She then began gently running the device over his injured knuckles. When she finished, she set the regenerator aside and softly ran the tips of her fingers over the newly regrown skin. She continued to look down at his hands as she asked quietly, “was this because of me?”

Chakotay paused for a moment before nodding ever so slightly. Kathryn pulled away and turned to face forward on the couch, not looking at him.

“I’m sorry. This is all my fault, Chakotay. If I could just learn to not be so damned selfish all the time, we wouldn’t be in this situation.” Chakotay sat and watched for a moment as Kathryn hung her head and covered her face with her hands. “I’m so sorry, Chakotay,” she repeated.

This woman will be the end of me, he thought. Chakotay slid slowly along the couch until their thighs were practically touching and stretched his right arm around her shoulders, pulling her close, “look at me.”

She hesitated for a moment, then slowly removed her hands and turned to meet his gaze.

“We’ll get through this, Kathryn. The same way we always do,” he raised his other hand to brush his thumb across her cheek, “together.”

She nodded and wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling him into a tight hug, “together.”

Conditional

“Kathryn! Welcome!”

“Am I too early? I know we had dinner set for 19:00, but my shift ended ahead of schedule and I could hardly wait to see your new place.”

It had been nearly three months since the return of Voyager, and the former command team had continued their weekly dinners, often meeting at restaurants or one of their quarters. This week, however; Chakotay had invited Kathryn for a home-cooked meal at his brand new house.

After their return to the Alpha Quadrant, the crew had all been assigned apartments on Starfleet grounds with a temporary lease of a hundred days. Many of the crew had already found new residences and begun to disperse themselves.

“Of course you’re not too early, Kathryn. You’re always welcome here,” Chakotay assured her, ushering her inside with a hand to her lower back, “come on, I’ll give you the grand tour.”

Chakotay lead Kathryn through the different rooms in the home, telling her about the various decorations and functions he planned to incorporate into each one. Finally, they came to the library.

“Chakotay this is absolutely wonderful,” Kathryn exclaimed, looking around at the floor to ceiling shelves packed full of books, “but where did all of these books come from?”

“Well the previous owners left a few behind and I’ve been building my collection since we got back,” Chakotay reached out and lead her by the hand, "I figured you’d like this section over here.”

Kathryn turned to look at the shelves behind her and immediately smiled. The particular shelf he had been referring to contained all of her favorite classics. Front and center was her copy of Dante that she had loaned to him all those years ago.

“You can have it back if you like, I just thought it looked at home here.”

Kathryn turned to look up at him, “It does, doesn’t it?”

There was a pause then, before Chakotay slowly stepped closer and pulled her into a gentle kiss. It wasn’t their first, but it was sweet and slow and promised many good things to come.

As they pulled apart, Chakotay seemed to be preoccupied, as if he was searching for the right words.

“Kathryn, I’ve been thinking, I know that once your lease ends, you’ll have to find somewhere to live off of Starfleet headquarters…” Chakotay trailed off.

“Yes. I suppose I will…” Kathryn began, smiling gently in encouragement.

“Why don’t you just move in here? I have an extra room and plenty of living space… I’m even willing to make space in the kitchen for that shuttlecraft of yours you call a coffee maker. After all, we basically lived together on Voyager for years and…” Chakotay trailed off, sensing she was no longer listening.

Kathryn looked up at Chakotay and frowned, “I’m sorry Chakotay, this place just doesn’t have what I need…”

“Oh.”

Chakotay looked down at his shoes and tried not to look as disappointed as he felt. Meanwhile, Kathryn seemed not to be paying him any attention.

“After all, that room you claim is the master bathroom doesn’t have a bathtub. How would you expect me to live like that?”

Chakotay looked up at her in shock, stumbling to find his words, “well I suppose something could be arranged…”

Kathryn nodded and placed her hands on her hips, “good.”

Chakotay was silent for a minute, “was that a yes?”

“Yes, Chakotay. Of course, I’ll move in with you,” Kathryn laughed at the grin on his face, “only on the one condition that you build me a bathtub.”

“Your wish is my command, Admiral.”

Chakotay gave a joyful laugh and reached out to pull her into his arms, hugging her tight around her waist. Kathryn looked up at Chakotay and for a moment the two simply smiled at each other. Kathryn then reached around his neck and pulled him down into a passionate kiss.

“And I don’t think I’ll be needing that spare room.”

Penny

The nerve of this man! How dare he think that she would be okay with this, that she would want to do this?

Chakotay had invited Kathryn, via comm message during her latest mission, to visit his new home in Southern Indiana. He had offered to cook her dinner and explained that he had a new friend living with him that he wanted her to meet.

A “young and beautiful” new friend.

How dare he?

She knew from experience that it was difficult to maintain a relationship with someone who was constantly traveling off-planet, but would he really want to throw away everything they had built between them since Voyager’s homecoming?

Had he finally gotten tired of waiting?

As she stepped up onto the front porch, Kathryn Janeway conjured her best attempt at a cheerful smile, hoping this dinner would end quickly. Raising her fist, she knocked firmly on the door. Soon after, a grinning Chakotay pulled it open.

Damn, he looked good.

“Kathryn! It’s so good to see you!”

Still smiling he reached out and pulled her into an unexpected hug. Surprised, Kathryn resisted for a second, but soon relaxed into his embrace and wove her arms around his waist.

“It’s good to see you too. Where is she?”

Cringing at her own bluntness, she pulled back from Chakotay. He smiled at her and let out a gentle laugh.

“You’re going to love her Kathryn. Come with me.”

Taking hold of her hand, Chakotay pulled Kathryn behind him into the main living area.

“Kathryn Janeway, meet Penny.”

Kathryn stopped dead in her tracks. On the couch in the far corner of the room sat the most adorable puppy she had ever seen. Relieved beyond measure, she strode over to the couch and scooped the tiny dog into her arms. She looked up to see Chakotay, still smiling, watching her.

How could she ever doubt him?

Suddenly, she realized her eyes were becoming moist and swiped at them, embarrassed.

“What’s wrong?” Chakotay asked, worried he had done something.

“Nothing, I just thought…” Kathryn trailed off.

“You thought what?” Chakotay prompted, confused.

Janeway looked down at the puppy wiggling contentedly in her arms and smiled.

God, she loved this man.

“Nevermind.”

– K

Kathryn Janeway had no idea when this had happened. How could she have let this go so far? Something had to be done, yes, something had to be done.

Somewhere over the years, she had lost her judgment. She had given in.

But what was she to do?

Suddenly, she found herself thinking back to when it had all began. When her biggest problem had first presented itself.

It had been years ago, in the middle of a duty shift, right there on the bridge.

It had been a completely uneventful and unbelievably boring shift until Paris had made one of his typical childish jokes that had left the entire bridge crew consumed in fits of laughter.

She, unaware of the impacts, had reached out and placed her hand on Chakotay’s shoulder.

He had turned his face to look at her, surprised at first as she was, but then smiled gently. Showing a hint of those dimples. And in that moment, she had lost control for only a split-second, but that was everything.

She had felt something.

Something long repressed and long denied.

Damn those dimples.

Since then, she had found herself reaching out to him more and more.

Wanting, desperately, to recreate the feeling of that first time.

Wanting, desperately, to feel again.

It had started simply. A comforting hand here, and a gentle brush there.

But it had quickly become more.

Weekly dinners, started on the pretext of ship functionality, had all been her idea. Her way of maximizing their time spent together.

Her hand on his chest, feeling the steady beat of his heart, had the power to bring the most complete feeling of calm.

Hand holding, even on duty, as a means of her own comfort. As a reminder. She wasn’t alone.

Staying on the bridge, way beyond the end of her shift. Not because she wasn’t exhausted, as she always pretended, but because he still had two hours left.

Sitting, maybe just a little too close, because he was her pillar of strength. And because she belonged there.

She really ought to get this under control. After all, a captain could not afford even the smallest distraction.

But maybe it was time she just admitted it.

She needed Chakotay to lean on.

Figuratively.

and literally

Alone

“You didn’t poison the coffee did you?”

“Not any more than I usually do.”

I smile at him and he chuckles, but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes. He is still feeling uneasy, and this bothers me, but then again, I am too. I don’t want this to become a problem for us. I don’t want this rift that seems to have been slowly growing where our friendship once blossomed. I make up my mind then. He has to know. He has to know that I can’t do this without him.

“Chakotay,” I start, setting down my mug, we need to talk.

He sits down his mug as well and looks up.

“I hate what we’ve become.” I admit, standing up and striding over to the couch, “We can’t afford to stop trusting each other, we can’t afford to be afraid to talk to one another.”

“I agree,” he says coming to sit beside me, “I don’t want to feel like that again, not knowing if you’re on my side or not.”

“I know what you mean. I don’t think I could do this without your support.”

He turns to look at me, and we make eye contact. I can see the truth in his eyes. I’ve missed being able to read him so well.

“You could if you had to.”

There is silence then, each of us thinking about this disturbing prospect. I inch closer to him on the cushion and lay my head on his shoulder, needing to feel close to him again. Chakotay stiffens at first, then relaxes, and eventually wraps an arm around my shoulders, pulling me closer.

“I’m glad I don’t have to.”

– K

Onward

It had been an infinitely long and difficult journey. But they had made it. Finally.

They were home. Home at last.

Captain Janeway stood at the viewport, gazing at the beautiful blue and green orb, unsure about exactly what to think. The door chimed and she turned.

“Come.”

Chakotay entered, carrying a large variety of PADDs, undoubtedly requiring her attention. Before he could tell her about them, however, he sensed that something was off with her. Setting the work aside, he turned to face her.

“Are you alright, Kathryn?”

Janeway turned away from him slightly, not making eye contact.

“Of course.”

Chakotay didn’t believe her. Not for a second. After all this time, he knew when something was bothering her.

“Everything’s going to be just fine, Kathryn. You got us all home. Thanks to you the crew can move on with their lives now.”

Kathryn turned back to him now, tears brimming in her eyes.

“That’s just it, Chakotay”

“What,” Chakotay asked, worried, “what’s wrong?”

“I can’t… I can’t lose you, Chakotay.”

A wave of relief washed over Chakotay. Everything was going to be ok, he realized and smiled. He took a step closer to Kathryn and lightly grasped her hands, pulling her to him.

“Kathryn, look at me.”

Kathryn did as she was told, gazing up into the warm brown eyes.

“Kathryn, you could never lose me. I will always be with you, no matter what.”

“Oh, Chakotay…”

Kathryn reached up and wrapped her arms around him, reveling in the reassuring embrace. Minutes later, she pulled away slightly and turned back to the view outside. Suddenly completely content, for the first time in nearly seven years.

– K

Please

The captain stood before her viewport, her mind a chaos of fear and regret. The chime was unable to penetrate her thoughts, but the man outside was persistent.

Again the sound, breaking the woman from her reprieve.

Kathryn turned to the offending barrier.

“Kathryn?”

Still, she did not speak.

“Kathryn, let me help.”

But the captain could not surrender, not ever.

“Kathryn, please” whispered the man, desperately.

But it was too late. They were all too late.

Today, she paid the price.

Today, she would fix everything.

Kathryn Janeway turned back to the lines of stars, blurred by unshed tears.

-K